No, I didn’t trust God, but could I tell Him that? I understood He was God and I “should” trust Him, but I didn’t. And if I’d just heard correctly, He was asking me a direct question.
How could I admit to Almighty God I didn’t trust Him? Not in this area of my life, not with this issue! Maybe other areas but certainly not this one. I was immediately hot with discomfort as tears slid down my cheeks, “I’m sorry, Lord. I don’t trust You in this area. I just have to be honest.”
And then He communicated what I did not expect, something along these lines: “I know you don’t trust Me in this area; that’s why we’re going to address this together, because when we’re finished, you will.” His voice was gentle and loving, and in it was not the slightest hint of condemnation. His words were filled with hope and clarity. He had a purpose, and it was not to harm me. His intentions were good and caused me to understand He knew my weaknesses and inabilities, and lack, and sin, and still loved me.
With the introduction He had just made, I realized why I had been experiencing what I had over the last few weeks. He had to surface the lack of trust because had it not been evident, I would have denied it’s existence. It wasn’t my brain He was dealing with; the problem was in my heart.
My study of God’s Word taught my head I could trust Him, but a portion of my heart didn’t believe it. I was desperate to find a human I could trust but avoided the God I could trust. Humbled as I realized the truth, I was grateful He so thoroughly understood me and that He had sent Jesus to heal broken people.
His next steps were to meet me in prayer with counsel and guidance. There were two issues to deal with; the first was when others had violated my trust, and as those memories surfaced I grieved, forgave, and realized sometimes I simply had made unwise choices. In the ambience of raw honesty healing always occurred. Although sometimes I was emotional for a moment, He always freed my heart and calmed it.
The second issue He addressed were the times I believed He was untrustworthy. It takes a big God to walk beside one of His children when they don’t trust Him and to not take offense — after all, He is God, and holy, and always right. My brain knew He was right, but what I had experienced in life led me to believe He was occasionally wrong, therefore in my heart I needed to forgive Him because He didn’t do what I thought He should.
As a child how could I have comprehended He didn’t do the wrongs I contributed to Him, people did; people whose minds were twisted and their free-will used wrongly. Even though my adult brain understood, the child’s heart within still needed to forgive Him. Despite my wrong understanding, He graciously received my extension of forgiveness. And this process further demonstrated His dedication to my overall health, and that He truly loved me despite the misconceptions and weaknesses I possessed.
After the first incident of realizing He knew I didn’t trust Him in some areas, when He asked the next time I was not nearly as embarrassed because I was learning I could trust Him with the truth. Our conversations about my distrust became more lighthearted because I realized He wasn’t out to shame me; rather, to rescue me.
“I get it now, Lord. Thank You for showing me another area we can work on together. Thank You for loving me enough to heal me. Thank You for being so kind about it.” Finally I understood that if anything of His kingdom was in me, such as the ability to trust Him, it was because He put it there!
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Let Me teach you … and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:29 NLT
…learn to trust God…. II Corinthians 1:9b GWT
…He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted … to set at liberty them that are bruised. Luke 4:18 KJ2000
…I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief! Mark 9:24b NLT
Such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant. II Corinthians 3:4-6a NASB